


I Don't Care If You Really Care (As Long As You Don't Go)

by enbookcased



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Canon Universe, Hand Jobs, M/M, No Dialogue, Rough Sex, Unhappy Ending, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love, mentioned Kim Seungmin/Lee Minho, one-sided Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-18 21:01:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28624512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enbookcased/pseuds/enbookcased
Summary: Changbin loves Chan's cold nature, but Chan's being warmed by the sun.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Bang Chan/Seo Changbin, Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin
Comments: 36
Kudos: 107
Collections: Be Kind: Rewind! | SKZ 90s Fic Fest





	I Don't Care If You Really Care (As Long As You Don't Go)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [the SKZ 90s fic fest](https://twitter.com/esskayzed90s) over on twitter! My 90s song prompt was [Lovefool](https://youtu.be/NI6aOFI7hms) by The Cardigans. The version I listened to the most was [this cover](https://youtu.be/hcI0FfW0MXU) by twocolors.
> 
> Yes, this was directly influenced by Changbin saying cold Chan is "sexy" on Weekly Idol.
> 
> Please do heed the tags.

He walks in and he’s all Changbin sees.

His curly hair.

His loud laughter.

His smile, his dimples. His corded and probably warm arms.

He’s so warm to everyone else, his jokes, his voice.

He’s warm to Changbin, too, when the cameras are on. The minute they’re off, however…

That’s when Changbin loves him the most.

He shoves Changbin’s legs back and fucks into him with little ceremony, lining his cock up and thrusting. There’s lube, there’s a condom. There’s cursory preparation. It’s all so cold, though. Changbin lays back and accepts it and watches as Chan chases his orgasm, uncaring if Changbin follows or not. Neither does Changbin, really. He just wants Chan to enjoy himself. If he can help, even in such a small way.

Chan is cold in the studio, all business, and the stone-faced look, the rigidity of his set shoulders makes Changbin feel hot and dizzy, thrills him down to his toes.

They share moments, like when Jisung goes to get drinks from the vending machines and Chan pulls Changbin to the floor between his knees. Moans out his name, muffled with the back of his hand pressed against his mouth. Changbin especially likes it when Chan's fingers bury themselves in his hair and _pull_. When he forgets himself and Changbin ends up with bruises he can stare at when he’s by himself, little finger-shaped browns and blues and greens along his hips, his legs, his arms. Nothing excessive, just enough to give him a thrill.

Changbin's learned that Chan likes a fight every now and again. Likes it rough. Their kisses are like battles, sex like a war. Though all of him wants to submit, Changbin growls and curses and shoves Chan into the wall. All of it token before he gives in and lets Chan have his victory. It's sweeter that way.

Changbin thinks there’s beauty in the whatever that is going on between them. Like a flower growing through pavement.

\--

Changbin already knows something’s different when Chan pushes him into their half bath and shoves Changbin to his knees. It doesn’t stop him from undoing Chan’s belt buckle and pants, his fingers deft, even if the zipper ruins his manicure on one nail.

He fishes Chan out of the front of his boxers and swallows him down the same as he’s always done, not even bothering to taste, efficient just how Chan likes. The fingers gripping his hair really are too harsh; Changbin’s hair is brittle now that he’s blonde—but he doesn’t pull off to say anything, just lets Chan relieve the stress he’s obviously under.

Chan is mumbling above him, distracted, his hand pushing and pulling Changbin’s mouth up and down his cock as if it’s an involuntary motion, like breathing. Changbin supposes that by now it is. Still, he braces his palms on Chan’s thighs and relaxes his mouth and lets him come down his throat, all the while wondering if he’s mishearing Chan worrying over whether Felix is eating enough.

Chan pats his head absently in thanks, zips back up and then he’s gone, and Changbin is still on his knees when the door snicks quietly closed again. He wipes his eyes first and his mouth second, and then he takes a deep breath and avoids looking at himself in the mirror as he turns on the taps for a shower he hadn’t intended on taking.

Once he’s done, he wraps a towel around his middle and shuffles back out into the bedroom—the room now occupied with Chan and Felix, lying on Felix’s bed, a laptop open and angled away from Changbin, a pair of airpods shared between them. Felix looks up and smiles at Changbin and Chan doesn’t and Changbin turns away, mutters something about going to work out with Jeongin that neither of them hears, or at least acknowledges.

\--

Changbin watches the way Chan’s gaze turns warm when he tracks Felix across the dorm, and now there’s a funny taste in the back of his throat. He laughs, loudly, he chatters and acts cute and fights with the younger members all because he wants to keep Chan’s eyes on him. And it works, until it doesn’t. Until more and more, Chan’s eyes drift back to Felix.

But Felix doesn't like him like that, or so Chan tells Changbin, blushing, anguished. So Changbin straddles Chan's lap, smears their mouths together, and tries to help Chan forget about his feelings. Tries to keep his attention in other ways. Chan's grip on his hips is punishing, guiding Changbin up and down in a pace only he has control of, and Changbin thinks it works, for a while. When Chan's buried inside Changbin his eyes are only on him. Until it's over. And then Chan's eyes…

They're not on Changbin anymore. Changbin starts to wonder if they ever were.

\--

They were never an established thing. Of course not. There was no way in hell he and Chan, being as emotionally stunted as they both are, were ever going to talk about the whatever they have going on. Fuck no. They just worked and lived and fucked together and that was enough. There was never more to understand.

But Felix needs to talk. He needs to set up boundaries. So Chan says, shoulders up to his ears, hands shoved in the kangaroo pocket of his hoodie. So yeah, they can’t trade blowjobs today, sorry. Probably can’t ever again. Boundaries, you know?

Changbin knows.

Changbin goes to Seungmin, but Minho is paying attention to him this week, so that plan is right out. He goes into his room, but Felix is there, and he asks if Chan is on his way, and Changbin lies and says he hasn’t seen him and then backs out of the room.

He goes to the rooftop.

Hyunjin is on the rooftop.

Changbin and Hyunjin are complicated. They’ve kissed, sure. But Hyunjin says he has a crush on someone else. So Changbin backed off and kept that thought forefront, even when Hyunjin tried again. Keeps trying. Changbin likes to touch his lips, so he almost gives in several times, but the thought always pops up and saves him. He reminds him, you like someone else. Hyunjin presses his lips together and looks away.

Changbin approaches where Hyunjin is looking over the edge and stands near him, not next to him, but close enough. Hyunjin edges closer, and their shirtsleeves are brushing now, then Hyunjin’s arm is against Changbin’s shoulder. Together, they look out at the city lights burning and say nothing for a while. Then Hyunjin turns to Changbin and lets him touch his lips and bends his head, and Changbin remembers what it’s like to be kissed so softly, so sweetly. Chan always kisses him harsh, quick, a summer storm, there and gone in a flash of lightning. Hyunjin kisses like it might hurt him, a gentle, soaking rain. It doesn’t hurt Changbin, but it doesn't feel right. He lets the kisses go on for a while before backing up, looking back out at the city. Hyunjin sighs next to him and leaves and Changbin feels even more like shit.

He stays up there as long as he can stand it, but eventually he has to go back down and get some sort of sleep. He manages to come back at the same time as Chan, and they get undressed and ready for bed in silence. Felix is already sleeping away in Chan’s bed. Changbin does not watch Chan tuck himself gingerly around Felix and think about how he used to prod Changbin to roll over toward the wall.

\--

He wakes up the next (late) morning and stares up at the ceiling because there’s nothing else to look at in the room, because Chan and Felix are already long gone. A knock on the door rouses him, Seungmin telling him the bathroom’s free, and Changbin gets up for the day.

It is five o'clock when he sees Felix again, who corners him in an empty room and apologizes to Changbin. Tells him he knows about the things _no one_ is supposed to, tells him Chan told him it's all in the past. Changbin smiles at Felix and confirms Chan's words and he manages not to let his face fall until Felix is well out of the room. Though it is hard when Felix insists on a hug.

\--

It’s strange watching new love bloom between two people, to watch the baby stages of their relationship blossom. Sometimes it’s sweet and sometimes it feels like a donkey kick to the stomach because Changbin remembers that they’re going on this journey without him. He’s uninvited. Well. It’s hard to be uninvited to something you were never part of in the first place.

They fight. Even their fights aren't ugly, Felix off in Seungmin's bed crying crystal tears, Chan grabbing his coat and telling the room at large that he'll be in the studio. Changbin gets up to follow and Chan doesn't stop him.

He does stop him, however, when Changbin tries to go to his knees. He just wants to make Chan feel better. He just wants to _help_. But that only makes the furrow between Chan's brows deepen. So instead he holds Chan, lets him vent out his emotions. Promises not to say anything about the wetness soaking the shoulder of his hoodie. Stares at the wall and wills his heart to finally break so he can get over this stupid boy. But it's holding fast.

\--

_Changbin stares up at the ceiling as he strokes his fingertips along the slope of Chan's naked back. The weight of him is the first thing Changbin loves. There are sounds outside the door that tells Changbin that someone is near, and then it opens._

_Changbin looks over to see the horrified look on Felix's face, and it makes him smile_.

Changbin snaps out of the daydream as Felix nudges him with an elbow, holding out a brownie for him to take. Changbin takes it, of course he does, and the chocolate tastes like guilt. He knows then and there he could never hurt Felix like that, even if it meant having Chan again. Nothing is worth that.

\--

It’s not like him to wallow in his feelings like this, so he grabs Jeongin by the shirtsleeve and grumps at him until he agrees to hit the gym. There, Changbin does a third more reps than usual, and he knows he’s going to feel it in the morning, but he honestly doesn’t care. It’ll be good to feel the soreness the next day, the creak and protest of his muscles as he moves about his day. It’s what he needs, a reminder that he can feel things other than sorry for himself.

Chan is wistful at the console that night when Changbin and Jisung stop in to check on him. He wants to write a love song for the next album. A true one, not that pretend one Changbin wrote for their mixtape series. Not one of regret, either. A sweet, pure and true love song. Changbin nods his head in agreement and opens his notes app on his phone. But Chan wants to write it on his own. Changbin ignores the look on Jisung’s face when they leave Chan to it a few minutes later.

He's up on the rooftop again, this time alone. It is very late, the sunrise a vague dusky smudge on the horizon, the air cold enough to start biting. He exhales and the shakiness in his bones makes his eyes prickle, but he’s not crying. He won’t.

He senses more than sees Hyunjin come to stand next to him and Changbin buries his face in the collar of his flannel. They stand close, and Hyunjin becomes his priest, the rooftop his confessional. He doesn't realize he's crying until Hyunjin hugs him proper, long arms enveloping him and he dampens the fabric of Hyunjin's jacket.

Hyunjin tells him about Seungmin, and then he tells him about Seungmin and Minho.

They end up giving each other handjobs on the rooftop, mouths bumping, breathing into one another as Hyunjin tilts himself over Changbin and they come seconds apart, making a mess on Changbin’s stomach. Hyunjin pulls off his overshirt and cleans them up and they don’t talk. But the smile Hyunjin sends Changbin when they part in the dorm hallway has Changbin’s stomach twisting into sour knots.

The next day Hyunjin brings Changbin lunch at the studio. It’s cup ramen from the shop down the street from the company, but the fact that he only brings one and presents it to Changbin along with a strawberry milk is not lost on Jisung or Chan.

They tease him mercilessly, but Changbin says nothing. Every time Chan smiles at him, elbowing Changbin gently, he feels a little more nauseated. He doesn’t like the warmth. He wants cold Chan back, but cold Chan doesn’t seem to exist anymore. He’s been warmed by the sun.

He doesn’t eat the ramen, but that’s okay, Jisung eats it for him. Drinks the milk, too.

Changbin corners Hyunjin that night on the rooftop. He _tries_ to tell him he’s too shattered to do this—he really does try—but somehow it comes out in a kiss, two more, three, and then Hyunjin’s fucking him against the rooftop door and he’s coming with Seungmin’s name on his lips and Changbin—

Changbin thought he knew what the bottom looked like. He had no idea.

\--

In the morning, Changbin waits until Hyunjin is alone in his bedroom. He tells him never again.

And then Felix announces to the room at large that Chan is taking him out on a picnic date before the weather gets too cold. He baked a cake for it.

Changbin pulls Hyunjin into the least used bathroom at the company and locks the door. Later, Jeongin asks why the collar of Changbin’s shirt looks like it’s had a hundred screaming school children hanging off of it. Hyunjin smiles and Changbin excuses himself back to bathroom. Nothing comes up, but not for lack of trying.

Changbin tells Hyunjin never again once more. Never again. Never again. Again. And again.

Chan congratulates Changbin on his new relationship. Changbin hates that he tucks into the large hand on his shoulder. Seungmin watches them impassively.

But Changbin pretends, and Hyunjin pretends, and they go on, an ugly pantomime of Chan and Felix's sweet and fresh and real relationship. Of Minho and Seungmin's quixotic one. A bloodied, bruised, limping facsimile of the real thing. And no matter how many times Changbin tells Hyunjin that what they’re doing is wrong, Hyunjin just smiles thinly and says,

“As long as you don't go.”

**Author's Note:**

> My [twitter](https://twitter.com/enbookcased?s=09).
> 
> My [tumblr](http://binracha.tumblr.com).
> 
> Feel free to yell at me on both!


End file.
